Inner Thoughts
by tjmack
Summary: After sleeping with her partner, Emily decides to start writing in a diary...these are her entries.
1. June 14th, 2006

Inner Thoughts

Summary: After sleeping with her partner, Emily decides to start writing in a diary...these are her entries.

_June 14th, 2006_

_I cannot believe how I could do something so stupid. I mean, god I've been attracted to that man since I found out he was my partner, but that's just it. He's my partner, you don't sleep with your partner. It's just not something you do. It's against every rule in the book, and I wrote the book. I should know those rules by heart, but my god, the sex was...unbelievable. I could never fathom sex being that wonderful, and Matt...god he was great about it._

_I mean I usually would have bolted. That's what I do, I don't get close to people. Especially not men, but I don't know, there was just something there. A connection of sorts, and even though we decided it was just sex, I'm not so sure I believe it. There was too much passion behind it for it to be just about sex. Besides that, would you really stay in bed for a couple hours after waking up, just holding each other? I mean, if it's truly just sex, you'd bolt as soon as you got the chance...right? _

_I guess the true question is...do I want it to be more than just sex. Would I want a relationship with Matt? Would I be willing to risk everything I've worked for, just to be with him? Would it be worth it...and what if the unthinkable happened...and we broke up. Taking for granted of course Cheryl wouldn't fire us...or split our partnership up. Would we be able to work with each other? I guess these are questions I should be asking Matt, but I'm just so damn scared, and hell, I don't even know if it's gonna happen again, or better yet, if I want it to happen again._

_I mean, do I? Do I really wanna have sex with Matt...my partner again? That's the first question I need to answer, but how do you answer that? I mean, if I say yes, then I'm saying that I'm willing to break the rules, and risk my job to have wonderfully blissful sex, but if I say no, then I'd be lying. I guess that answers my question...God what have I gotten myself into? And is there anyway out of it, without someone getting hurt? Do I want out of it? There are just too many questions, and not enough answers. I've gotta talk to Matt, I really do._


	2. June 17th, 2006

_June 17th, 2006_

_So I talked to Matt last night. He thought it best we go to a hotel room to have our discussion. Although we did talk, that was not the first thing we did. It's like we're magnets, it's like we're automatically pulled together. Not that it's not nice, cause it is, it's just...it would be nicer if the person I was so drawn to wasn't my partner. _

_Okay, so our talk...Matt assured me that it was just sex. Which I think I'm fine with, I mean if this is something that we're going to continue doing...Well it needs to be a no strings attached kind of thing. That way, if we decide to break off...whatever it is that we have, no one gets hurt, no feelings are involved. That's just it, I think that feelings might be involved. I mean, your not just drawn to someone, without feelings involved...right? I mean that's not really possible. _

_I really need to straighten this out. I mean...do I want it to mean more? I mean, I think I might...I just..I don't know. The fact that I'm even thinking I might want more with him, it's..terrifying to say the least. I know Matt..he's not the stay with one girl type. He's more like Frank and Duff...forever bachelors. I know that he wouldn't mean too...but if I did want more...he'd hurt me. Not on purpose but he would, that's just who Matt is. It's not his fault, and I don't blame him, but dammit, why does he have to be so...charming? _

_Get a grip Emily...do you really wanna a relationship with a man that your not supposed to? Do you really want to risk your job, for this man? Would it be worth it, to risk your job for him? God I want so badly to be with him tonight...but why? It's just sex, so I mean, me wanting him right now...that would suggest I'm addicted to sex. Which I'm not...maybe...I'm just addicted to sex with Matt. If that's it...well that's not a good sign, because let's face it...that points to something more serious than just sex. Can I really do this?...I guess I'm gonna have to...I know want to do it again...and I know I can't have a relationship with Matt, but I guess if I mask it as being just sex it won't look as bad...Not for him anyways..._

_God I hope no one finds out...especially not Cheryl...or Frank. Oh god, I can't even imagine what Frank would say. Oh wait, yes I can...I assure you it would be something to do with Matt being a stud, and me being a slut. Yeah that sums that up, and Cheryl...oh I know she'll be seething with anger, and if she doesn't fire us both on the spot, she'll definitely break our partnership up. Our 'agreement' of sorts, will definitely be over. Going to work would be a chore, it wouldn't be fun anymore. God knows Lia means well, but if she found out, the entire office, if not more, would know about it. That's it...no one can find out. Matt promised we'd keep it secret, I just hope he's good at keeping private things private. I'm sure he is...I don't really know anything real private about him. He seems more reserved, he seems like he likes to keep his home life separate from work. This could work...this could just work._


	3. September 21st, 2006

_September 21st, 2006_

_Okay...so I haven't had the chance to write for a few months. Three to be exact, but that's not necessarily important. Luckily we've been busy with more negotiations than I can count. Now that I've explained that...I must now explain what has brought me here tonight at...twelve-thirty in the morning. It's this...We had a very tense negotiation today with Rick Kessler. He took his two sons hostage, after a collision with another car. More important than that, is what Matt used to get him to give up. Our 'relationship' so to speak._

_I mean, after he promised me no one would find out. He opens his big mouth, and in front of not only the HT, but in front of everyone at work, and all the news and camera crews. The entire world now knows that I'm just a slut who sleeps with her partner._

_I cannot believe he did that, but what's worse is I tried to call him. Yes to bitch him out, but mainly to ask him what the hell thought popped into his mind that said that outing our relationship like that was a good idea. I swear, sometimes I think he doesn't even use his brain. That is if he has one, I'm assuming he came equipped with one, but I can never be too certain about that, not after today._

_Anyways, I tried to call him, and he didn't even have the decency to pick up the phone. Now we have a meeting with Cheryl tomorrow morning, eight in the morning. This...me and him...it's over. It has to be, I cannot lose my job over this. Although I don't think Cheryl would fire us, I do think however that she will split us up. That will be hard, very hard, I love working with Matt. When he's not blurting out things that other people don't need to know, he's actually fairly good at his job. Even though we do clash on how to handle certain HT's...he does listen to me fairly well. I don't wanna have to train someone else...or worse, get some sexist pig, who think women don't belong on the line. Been there done that, and don't wanna do it again. _

_Matt is a fairly talented negotiator, and can talk people out of doing things that others probably couldn't. He can also talk people into doing things that they shouldn't...not putting all of the blame of Denver on him, but he definitely held a huge role in our many rounds of sex. Yes that means more than once...in fact, I don't think we got more than three hours of sleep that night. Needless to say, this thing we have is over effective immediately. Three months or not, it's not worth losing our jobs over. Not with how much we both love and enjoy our jobs._

_I can only begin to imagine what Cheryl is going to say tomorrow. Oh god...Frank...Duff...Lia. Oh tomorrow is not going to be fun. I need my good suit, I need...something._


	4. September 22nd, 2006

_September 22nd, 2006_

_Okay so, today was interesting to say the least. Besides the fact that me and Matt are still partners, I almost got blown up today. _

_Okay so let me start with the meeting with Cheryl. She was willing to break us up, but I informed her that me and Matt's relationship, or whatever was over. So with that being said, Matt decided to be a jerk, and tell Cheryl it was just sex, which in turn made me embarrass myself, by telling Cheryl how long we had been 'together'. I'm sure he enjoyed that all too well. I'm sure Cheryl enjoyed my struggle with Matt, I could tell by the grin on her face._

_If that wasn't bad enough, then Trent Cunningham took Coffee Nation hostage, pretending to be a Muslim terrorist. Although I quickly figured out that wasn't the case, Cheryl had a hard time believing me. After we got over that hump, then one of the hostages inside decided to go against Trent, and tried to use her cell to call someone. Trent got upset, so to get the hostages out alive, I traded myself for them. Once again, breaking many rules, that I once again know, but refused to obey. _

_Matt threw a fit about it, said that there would be no us if I went in there. Though at the time I was pissed at him, so I went anyways. I came out unharmed, but Trent almost lost it when he found out the real reason his mother treated him the way she did._

_Now...even though I promised Cheryl that me and Matt were over. I'm thinking that might have been a lie, especially considering that I'm currently lying next to him. God he is so cute when he's asleep. _


	5. September 26th, 2006

_September 26th, 2006_

_Alright, well yesterday was interesting to say the least. First let me start off by saying that no matter how much I try to avoid Matt, he always finds a way to get me alone. Take the other day for instance, I was sort of running away from him. What's he do? He chases me down, pulls me into the conference room (Which, by the way is right across from Cheryl's office), and calls me a ninja, of all things right. Well at first I was just lost, and then he made the absolute cutest noise ever, if I had to spell it, I'd guess it would be "Woodahoo". It might not look cute, but you didn't hear it. Anyways, I did something I shouldn't have, but couldn't help myself after that. I flirted with him, in which he took full advantage, and well, it was a nice kiss. Oh what am I saying, it was more than nice, it was...amazing, until I broke it. Yeah, stupid move I know, but I was afraid someone would walk in a spot us. Then after the breath-taking kiss, he was attempting to make plans to hook-up. Yeah like that was going to happen. Then well, what I was afraid would happen, did happen. Two Agents walked in, but Matt was quick on his feet, and made it look like we were arguing over a case. Then he said the thing I least expected...he asked me out on a date, then he kissed my cheek. _

_So that night, he took me to this little Mexican restaurant for beer and fajitas. Which was nice, I like beer and fajitas. What wasn't fine? The fact that we went to the other side of the city, far away from any place our co-workers would be. Not that I necessarily wanted to run into one of them, but if we're going to date, and let everyone know then why go as far away as possible right? _

_Now onto yesterday, we were supposed to tell Cheryl that we decided to give us a go. What's Matt do? Calls his own pager, and left me there looking like an idiot. Then we had a 7500, translated, is someone who hijacks a plane. Well if only it had been so simple. No instead of one plane, someone took air traffic control. So your talking 600-700 lives that me and Matt had to negotiate for, with a man that was on edge after what was thought to be a controller error that caused to planes to collide in mid-air. Yeah, so that wasn't exactly our best moment, but Matt did amazing, and got him to surrender, and he only hurt the security guard, and that was before we got there. So we did pretty good, Matt was the true saving grace there. _

_Then after Cheryl gave us kudos on a great negotiation, and we discussed the fact that the HT was right and the mid-air collision wasn't his fault. Matt did the unthinkable, he told Cheryl and I quote, "Lehman and I are seeing each other...still. We figured since there's no bureau policy against it, and we're doing good work according to you. We're gonna give it a go, and see what happens." I mean that was sweet, and well...a little bureaucratic, but sweet non the less. Then Cheryl gave us our little pep talk, which at the end, scared the hell out of Matt and me, but at least she didn't break us up, or pull us apart, or yell. She was actually really calm about the whole thing, I guess she assumed it was coming? Let's just say, I'm not excited to found out what Frank and Duff are gonna say about it._


	6. October 3rd, 2006

_October 3rd, 2006_

_So I'd like to start off by saying that Matt is amazing. I mean, I wasn't mad at him, just a little...Jealous so to speak. Not so much that he hadn't told me he was "mindful" of dogs, but more that he felt the need to keep it a secret from me. Although he did make a good point earlier, I mean, I haven't told him about my overly disfunctional family. Not that I'm keeping it from him so much, as sparing him from them. Yeah, that sounds right. _

_Although he didn't say it, he conformed what I think we both know, but are too afraid to say. His speech about why he kept the fact that he's afraid of dogs from me, was that there was stuff I don't tell him, because I like him. Which I do, but I figured out that, that was his way of saying that he likes me. Although I think it's more than just like...I really really do._

_Now, onto today's case, and it was by no means an easy one. See, Organized Crime had been working a case against David Lau for over a year. Today, his daughter got kidnapped, and it was up to us to get her back. Needless to say, Ray Jamison wasn't happy about that, seeing as his case against Lau was thrown to the wind, for us to negotiate for Lau's daughter. _

_After a few communications with the kidnapper, Jamison had our operation shut down, and forced us to work under the radar. Which, we all could have gotten in trouble for, but dammit, I wasn't going to let an innocent little girl die, because Jamison had to be an ass. _

_After what seemed like forever, we figured out who the bad guys were, and busted them. We got the little girl back completely unharmed. The best thing about it, was that everyone of us worked as a team. Lia, Matt and I, worked on trying to figure out who the kidnappers were. After we did figure it out, then we all worked together to get the girl out safely. It was just one of those days, that could have gone horribly wrong, but worked out as well as anyone could have hoped. _


	7. October 17th, 2006

_October 17th, 2006_

_Okay so...the past couple of days have been interesting to say the least. Sam Ellis and Kari Nichols, two names I really hope to never have to repeat again. Let's start from the beginning here. A couple of days ago, Matt and I were asked to assist Robbery/Homicide with a case involving a man taking a hostage at every bank he robbed. He had quickly became known as the bystander bandit, and had gotten very good at not getting caught._

_Enter Matt and myself. We figured out his plan, as far as how he chose his banks. That put us on the fast track to catching him. Although, they had one up on us. It turned out that his "hostage" was actually his partner in disguise. So given that we didn't know that, and unfortunately he knew that we didn't know that. He used that against us, and sent out a "pregnant female hostage" who was actually his partner. She faked being sick, and got me alone. Long story short, she took me hostage, the bad guys got away, and they blew up Matt's Mustang. _

_Now fast forward to after Cheryl gives us a tongue-lashing. Matt and I are in one of the empty classrooms, and at first I thought he was going to call us off. Which while it wasn't something I wanted, after what had happened, I wouldn't have fought him on it, but instead he...in his own way told me that he cares for me. It was actually very touching, and I actually in my own way, admitted that I cared for him as well._

_Oh well I better cut this short, he's waking up...Let's hope that the next few days are a little less busy..._


End file.
